Your child is in bed. You’ve gone through the bed time ritual and you’ve said goodnight to your child. But just as you walk out of their room, they start crying. Does this sound familiar? What should you do in this case?
Your child may be used to you staying with them when you tuck them in. When you’re not there, they might struggle to fall asleep. Discover three ways to change this below and choose the one that you feel would be best for you and your child.
Tell your child that after their bed time ritual, you will stay in their room until they’ve fallen asleep, but also tell them that you will not respond if they say or do something. And try to stick to that. If you do respond, your child will see this as a reward for their behaviour. Chances are they will then continue to demand your attention.
Step by step:
Tell your child, “It’s time for bed. Now all the animals and children are going to sleep. You need to go to bed too. I will sit here until you fall asleep, but we’re going to stop talking now. Goodnight.”
Step 1.
Sit with your back against your child’s bed. Don’t turn it into a game and don’t respond if your child demands attention. Make sure your child can’t touch you and wait until they’ve fallen asleep.
Do this a few days in a row and then move on to the next step.
Step 2.
Go and sit a bit further from the bed.
Do this a few days in a row and then move on to the next step.
Step 3.
Go and sit in the doorway.
Do this a few days in a row and then move on to the next step.
Step 4.
Go and sit in the hallway.
Do this a few days in a row and then move on to the next step.
Step 5.
Leave the door ajar and go downstairs.
Make sure you can still hear your child, so that they know that you’re not far away if something is really wrong.
Marjolein, mother of Liz (4 years old) and Kai (2 years old):
The first year and a half, Kai always slept well, but these past few months, he’s been crying every time I leave the room. The only way to get him to sleep was for me to sit next to his bed. So that’s what I did. But before I knew it, the evening was over. Then I discovered a way to slowly tackle this.
The first time I moved a little further from the bed, Kai would start crying again. I struggled not to respond. But since I was still in the room, Kai would eventually calm down on his own. I took it one step at a time, slowly, and I gave it at least four days before moving on to the next step. Eventually I managed. I’m very happy I didn’t give up. Now Kai only calls me when he is really struggling to sleep. On any other night, I can just do what I want to do.
This approach is a bit like the ‘peekaboo’ game. You cover your face with your hands and then remove them so your child can see your face again.
How to use ‘peekaboo’ for bed time
Tell your child goodnight and explain you will soon check on them. Keep your promise. When you go and check on them, act ‘boring’. Don’t look at them and say the same thing over and over. Don’t respond differently if your child starts begging for attention. If you do, your child will see this as a reward for their behaviour. Chances are they will then continue to demand your attention.
It is important that you actually do return to their room regularly until your child has fallen asleep, because this gives them a sense of trust and safety.
Step by step
How long should you wait?
Not sure how long you should wait before leaving the room? The table below gives you some guidelines.
| Night | Number of minutes 1st wait | Number of minutes 2nd wait | Number of minutes 3rd wait | Number of minutes after that |
| 1st night | 2 | 4 | 6 | 6 |
| 2nd night | 3 | 5 | 7 | 7 |
| 3rd night | 5 | 10 | 15 | 15 |
| 4th night | 10 | 15 | 20 | 20 |
| 5th night | 15 | 20 | 25 | 25 |
| 6th night | 20 | 25 | 30 | 30 |
| 7th night | 25 | 30 | 35 | 35 |
Eva, mother of Saar (3 years old):
Saar never minds going to bed. She knows we’re going to read a nice book together. But when it’s time to actually sleep, she starts crying. I was talking to a friend about it and she told me about the ‘peekaboo’ method. I thought it was worth a try. I have to admit I struggle to leave the room when Saar is crying, but since I clearly tell her I’m coming back, I feel less guilty about it. And I must say, it works! Every night, Saar still asks me to come and check whether she’s asleep, so I do. But she doesn’t cry anymore when I leave. She’s learnt that there’s no point in crying.
Can your child get out of bed on their own?
Then you can use this approach in a different way. Take your child back to bed and act ‘boring’. Don’t look at them and say the same thing over and over. Don’t respond differently if your child starts begging for attention. If you do, your child will see this as a reward for their behaviour. Chances are they will then continue to get out of bed.
This approach may take some time. Don’t give up! Eventually your child will understand there’s no point in getting up over and over again.
Were the first two methods unsuccessful? Then try the direct approach, but before you begin, make sure your child does not have any sleeping disorders. Always consult your GP or local health clinic beforehand.
How do you do this?
Create a bed time ritual and say goodnight to your child. Before you leave their room, tell them they need to sleep now and you’re not coming back, not even if they start screaming or crying. Stick to this, no matter how difficult. Don’t check on your child until you are sure they’ve fallen asleep. Eventually they will, but it may take a while the first few nights. However, do keep an eye on your child. Make sure nothing serious is going on. You could check on them using a baby monitor or by peeking through the door.
This method calls for nerves of steel. Don’t give up! If you give in and check on your child anyway, they will cry even longer next time. They will think, “I just need to keep crying until Mummy or Daddy comes back. As long as I cry long and loud enough, they will come back.”
